Give and Take

Bad habits are hard to change. In saying this, I am confessing that I have a bad habit and am aware that there are consequences to continuing this behavior. These days, vomiting out one's bad behavior seems to be as acceptable as wearing white before Memorial Day. I digress... I smoke. In fact, I'm smoking right now.

The feeling of the first drag off of the first cigarette of the day is like thinking your best friend's boyfriend would look better naked on your bed instead of hers; you feel guilty AND immeasurably pleased simultaneously. The last drag is just pure guilt.

I know these things will kill me eventually, but I still smoke. I used to lie about smoking, but that was too much work, all the mouthwash, tooth-brushing furtively in the nearest bathroom, all the gum and breath-strips, the perfume and hairspray and handwashing never truly masked or eliminated the reek of old smoke. Sometimes, I would tell people that I was around other smokers and that's why I smelled of smoke. Now, there's little prevarication, I just own up to the fact that I'm addicted to nicotine.

I try not to offend people with my bad habit, and in this state, you can't smoke in public, or many private areas, so it's not like I have a lot of choice in the matter, but I wouldn't want to anyway.

SO, why then do I feel so vitriolic about other people's bad habits when I have my own? People who feel free to dig into their noses and ears with various implements such as pinkie fingers and pens and keys freak me out! The occasional sinus-miner who drills into his nose then casually inspects his findings before flicking them onto the floor is, in my eyes, one step lower on the evolutionary ladder than the common cockroach. One occasion, upon witnessing a fast-laner fishing for nostril-oysters, I applied considerable and lengthy pressure to my car's horn. The look on the guy's face was one of surprise. Really, he looked at me all startled and ashamed, as if he honestly believed his untinted car windows offered him some kind of invisibility!

This kind of behavior is nearly as bad as my next least favorite public activity that should remain private: Hot and heavy necking. I don't mean holding hands, a sweet smooch or even a little hugging, either. You know, like when you're as the local park and you're trying to look totally engaged in your run and suddenly, lying on the grass along the pathway, is a couple who are nearly ingesting each other's faces. They've got their legs entangled and their hands are set on full grope, AS IF THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS SUDDENLY STRUCK BLIND!!!! I'll admit, I was a teenager once, I know how strong the urging of hormones was, and I'm not unhorny at this age, but I have a sense that I wouldn't have acted that way if everyone was struck blind. Making out has its place and time and I don't want to know where and when you are 'getting busy'. If I want to see strange people having foreplay, I'll stay at home and watch porn.

Here is where I get silly; I love to watch TV with my boyfriend. Rephrase; I love to hate watching TV with my boyfriend. He has TiVo AND control over the remote. That means invariably, he and I will get into a squawk over whether or not previews are to be fast-forwarded through, and do some commercials have intrinsic comedic value and therefore be viewed at normal speed? Men must go to some secret schooling that teaches them how to control the remotes in such a way that their partners start writhing in mental anguish during TV viewing. I've decided that I am not going to swat the back of his head with a lead pipe over this issue, because I love him and want to remain on the outside of the prison fence, but on occasion, I do snatch the remote before he sits down, and surreptitiously stuff it between the sofa cushions. That's the way I act with most of the things that irk me; passive-aggressively. That allows me to retaliate in a way that doesn't actually harm anything or anyone, but gives me a healthy dose of retribution. Give and take at its best.